Strategies for Overthinking and Decision-Making
Overthinking and decision-making is something many people struggle with. It is especially common for people with anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, low self-esteem, and a blurry sense of self. I frequently discuss decision-making in therapy with my patients and we touch on topics ranging from largely impactful to small but still difficult. Small decisions have included things like what to wear to an interview or, what to order when on a date. While larger decisions involve topics related to education, career, finances, healthcare, and family/relationship-related decisions. Regardless of the topic and the significance of the decision, people find themselves stuck in these unpleasant patterns of ruminating over how to make a choice.
With most decisions, there is potential for consequences and we are ever so motivated to avoid consequences. So, often times we decide that the best plan to avoid those consequences is by avoiding the decision altogether. This could be agreeing to go along with someone else’s choice even though it is at a cost or unpleasant to you, asking someone else to make a decision for you, not participating in something, or our old friend, procrastination. The problem with these behaviors is that we teach ourselves that this is how to handle decision-making. Consider yourself trained to think the foolproof way is to avoid, crowdsource, outsource, or continue to let it linger over us for another day. If these options sound pretty depressing to you it’s because they are! If these options don’t sound like the key ingredients in a recipe for a confident individual it’s because they aren’t!
Why do we do this? One of the main reasons I have noticed through my years as a therapist working with high school students, college students, adults, and seniors alike… we are more concerned with the thoughts of others and the appearance of a decision rather than about our own happiness and well-being. We don’t want to disappoint, appear selfish, or be unkind or inconsiderate. The trouble is, this is not how good, healthy, and wise decisions are made. Sure, we can take one for the team here and there but there have to be limits to the frequency and categories where we take our turn. If people continue to take one for the team and work to avoid the consequences of feeling as though they are disappointing, selfish, and inconsiderate we create a pattern of thoughts and behavior. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is based on thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. We think about what we “should” do. Then we do it again and again without thinking and it becomes habitual behavior, which conditions our emotions. In this scenario, we avoid the consequences of making a decision and it does feel good on some level… the trouble is, it only feels good temporarily. Over time it starts to feel not so great and causes anxiety and difficulty with decision-making. Or, it causes sadness about the state of your affairs because if your affairs have been based around pleasing others and avoiding criticism or judgment, that doesn’t feel good. It is also unrealistic, unsustainable, and unhealthy. How do we fix this pattern? I’m so glad you asked!
10 Tips for Decision-Making
1. Consider yourself FIRST
What are the outcomes of this decision for YOU? Does a decision significantly impact your time, your family, your growth, your finances, your wellness in a positive way (pro tip- your happiness IS part of your wellness)? If you are happier, grow personally, professionally and financially you will be a better version of yourself. Can a tired, sad, stressed individual keep running on empty… no! If you choose to make a decision that benefits you it often translates into you being able to do more for others. In other words, you won’t be running on empty because you keep replenishing YOUR tank. It may feel weird or selfish in the short term but many times once we stick with it (more on this in a bit) we can make it to the part where we are living in the longer-term benefits and in the happiness of a personal decision that was made personally. Happiness is contagious; parents are happier when their kids are happy, kids are happier when their parents are happy, your significant other and friends will be happy if you are happier, too. This happens when you consider yourself FIRST.
2. Your intention is key
Behind every decision is an intention. Is it your intention with quitting your job to stick it to your friends at work? The ones who commiserate with you about the never-ending work load, high stress, low pay, and long hours… after all they will be the ones absorbing your work after you quit your job. NO, your intention is likely to be financially more comfortable, be more present for your family, be happier with a change of pace and opportunity to grow professionally. Your intention is thoughtful, to yourself, and that is good! Who knows you may even motivate or inspire another co-worker who is unhappy to make a change that is better for them in the process versus you both sticking it out in misery (this is that part where we avoid a short-term consequence at the cost of a long-term benefit). The truth is the fact that you even thought about or considered how it would impact others says all you need to know about yourself and your heart. Besides, even though co-workers may be upset, true friends will be proud of you and happy for you.
3. Make decisions that are polite, not nice
Polite decisions consider other people AND consider ourselves; nice decisions serve to please others. It is absolutely a great thing to consider the impact on others in our decision-making process. This is something most people do in a variety of settings and relationships. This is the step where we not only look at the impact on others but also to ourselves so we can have all the pieces of the puzzle to help make an informed decision. People who make nice decisions tend to make them to please others. Nice decisions can be made because someone said you should and because that someone may be in a position of power over you. They are also made to avoid feeling guilty or bad and made out of fear of consequence or criticism. This is especially true when a decision may not align with what someone perceives a majority is doing. This comes at your sacrifice. This is a particularly difficult strategy for some as there is such a focus today on how our decisions impact others. This is why considering your intention came before this step. Most times the intention is not to hurt or upset others but instead to protect, support, and help yourself. That is praiseworthy, that is sustainable, that is healthy, and that is polite!
4. You got no explainin’ to do
So often my patients ask me, “But what do I say when they ask why?” My answer, “You tell them none of their business.” I know, I know, easier said than done but think about how to act with confidence. We already know your decisions historically are polite and with good intentions (if you forgot already go back and review #2 and #3). It’s a choice, not an obligation or expectation to explain, justify, or validate our decisions. If you choose to, so be it, but is it something you always do, or is it something you only do for people that have earned that from you? Again, if someone is also acting with good intentions they will respect and understand that your decision was possibly difficult for you to make. They will remember that it was most likely made with good intentions and, lastly, if it is a personal or sensitive decision, they will remember that it is private and the details are… none of their business.
5. Stick with it
Unless things are going horribly downhill, stick with your choice. All too often a hard choice or a different way of doing things brings some false data. We devote all of our attention to vigilantly looking for and seeking out any little thing that could be going wrong in a short amount of time instead of considering all data over a longer period of time. So, stick with it. Allow the different way to become the more familiar way to do things and give it a chance to be your new normal. This change to something being your new normal and feeling normal, for that matter, may go a bit slower than you would like but…spoiler alert… when in the process of keeping the commitment to the new way of doing things, most people end up saying things went better than they anticipated.
6. Learn to be comfortable being different
We love to use others around us to measure, compare and evaluate our own decisions. We use friends, family, neighbors, professionals, colleagues, even celebrities, and the newest one… influencers. The problem is while on the surface our decisions seem two-of-a-kind we fail to see there are so many other dynamics and variables at play. From our values to our health, to our finances, to our goals, to our personalities, to our support systems we are all holding cards. However, in moments of difficult decision-making, we think we all hold the same standard deck of 52 cards when in reality others have Old Maid or Go Fish in their hands. The problem is, you can’t tell the difference from where you are standing and in these moments we make false assumptions. What works for most doesn’t work for all. The most important tool of evaluation… is this working for ME? (Shout out to number #1 on this list)
7. Who are you asking
So, we talked about being ok with being different and not measuring or comparing to others. That doesn’t mean we are always on our own to make decisions. It’s a great idea to consult a professional, someone who has been through something similar, or someone who knows you well and has your best interests at heart. Often times someone saying, “I need to get somebody else’s opinion on this” quickly turns into crowdsourcing on social media, you know, that whole asking for a friend thing. What we want to consider is if the person we are asking is a reliable source. What is a reliable source you ask…
Group A- Someone who also gets anxious and tends to be a people pleaser. Someone who avoids any chance of conflict. A person who has demonstrated a history of poor decision-making in their own life. That guy who historically considers himself first and expects others to follow him blindly?
Group B- Someone who makes their own decisions confidently. A person who wants the best for you and will encourage you to do that even if it isn’t the easiest option. Someone who seems to have their life together. Someone who may have a different opinion or view but can still admit value to yours because after all, you are the one who will be living with it.
I know you know it, but to be thorough… the answer is Group B. To be a bit more specific there is no need to survey everyone you know in Group B but maybe just 1 or 2 people from the group.
8. Boundaries and limits
If you are willing to make a nice decision there has to be limits. Limits can include doing something if someone has earned that from you, if it is convenient for you, or if doing it makes you happy. We don’t do it over and over again. If we do, that’s our pattern, and not only do we teach that to ourselves but also to the person who is asking for a nice choice from you.
9. Just get started
Think about small ways to start making decisions that consider yourself first without offering an explanation. When they ask you at the return counter if there was anything wrong with the product just say no… don’t explain it was the wrong size, not your color, or a gift you didn’t want (It is always interesting for me when I stand in line and hear how many people offer the reason without even being asked for it). Tell someone you can’t make it to an event and leave out the why. Take the risk that they will know you probably tried your best to make it fit into your schedule. Tell your friends you want to go to a specific restaurant, confidently. Confidently means you DO NOT add the following additions: “if that’s ok with you” or, “I will go wherever you pick next time.” You would also leave out the part that communicates your restaurant pick was made with good intentions for them because when you checked the menu you knew it had food they like. Just get started and simply make the choice. Once you take charge of your decision-making you will see how others respond. Most reasonable people say ok, will understand, will still like you, or will be thrilled you picked the restaurant so they didn’t have to! Some may even be proud of you for being vocal for a change!
10. Reflect and recognize
We spend a lot of time focusing on the negative, we are wired to do this so we need to put in extra effort to see the positive. When you see that something that was hard and didn’t feel great on the surface turned out to be a really wise choice, recognize yourself for sticking with it. This reduces your anxiety and strengthens new and improved patterns. It can change the way you think about yourself and can increase your self-confidence and give you an achievement to be proud of. It can make complicated things feel easier, and who doesn’t want that?! This is the cognitive behavioral pattern that is more desired. When your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions change for the better- that is an ultimate accomplishment for your mental health, and overall wellness, and a key ingredient to happiness.