I Won't Be Buying My Kids a Kindness Shirt
There are many jobs in life but being a mom or a dad is probably the most meaningful and important job while simultaneously being the hardest. There are many roles parents play. Teachers, supporters, chauffeurs, short-order cooks, coaches, tough-love-givers, role models, schedule keepers, and laundry experts… and that’s just scratching the surface. All of these roles are important and some have a bigger impact than others but they all play a part in helping to shape who children will grow up to be.
Let’s talk about my role of being a personal shopper, particularly, for my elementary-school-aged daughter. Why is this mental health therapist focusing her blog on shopping for her kids out of all the other mom things to discuss? Since you asked, there are some trends in clothes shopping that bother me lately. For one, the price tags scare me. The tops are getting shorter and the pants have more holes in them, and they want people to pay more for that. If my cringe factor for crop tops for little girls wasn’t enough, the busy patterns drive my eyeballs crazy. And while I think we are starting to get a break on the sequin shirts that flip up and down the charge is not slowing down on my new favorite… the kindness shirts.
They. Are. Everywhere.
Here are some examples of the slogans I have seen on shirts for kids as I was back-to-school shopping:
Kindness is my superpower
Sprinkle kindness everywhere
Loving, happy, and kind
Choose Kindness
Kind-0-Saurus Rex
Kindness matters
Always be Kind
Kindness Kindness Kindness
So, what’s the problem with this? Kindness is good… right? Teaching kids to be kind to others is good too… right? Yes, it is absolutely a great thing to teach kids to be kind and frankly, some adults could benefit from a review of the lesson, too. The issue is, there is so much of this one-sided message and not enough of the other important lessons and conditions that need to be taught alongside the instruction to be kind. Many adults already struggle with the pressure to do the nice or kind thing and the kindness shirt epidemic wasn’t even a thing years ago when they were kids. So, my concern is, what is the impact on a generation of kids, teens, and beyond who are walking advertisements for kindness, kindness, kindness?
If kids are influenced by the message to always be kind without teaching conditions of kindness, how does that play out over time as they enter each new age and stage of life? Over the past several years as a therapist, I have noticed trends in the way teens and adults handle interactions across settings. As a specialist in anxiety-related disorders, the large majority of teens and adults I have the pleasure of working with struggle with aspects of or are clinically diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. In many conversations, people seem to communicate a habit of just doing what’s kind and then rationalizing their choice and minimizing the toll it took on them. Then, they continue to talk about how draining or anxiety-producing similar interactions and situations continue to be. They continuously want to avoid the discomfort of their own feelings and the potential of someone judging them as unkind which leads to forming a habit of pleasing people and bearing the ongoing toll it takes on them.
People often share their fears of hurting someone else’s feelings or making someone feel “bad”. Instead of them daring to take the risk of possibly making someone feel bad they choose to meet the new societal expectations to -as the shirt says- always be kind. This leaves them feeling exhausted, stressed, or dreading certain situations and interactions. They may also find themselves being manipulated, or even worse, abused by someone. I also see habits and distorted thoughts that being kind, or pleasing someone, is the only way for them to feel needed or valued or, for the other person in the exchange to feel needed or valued. This can at times unintentionally lead some to relationships with unhealthy enmeshment or co-dependency. The truth is you don’t always have to be kind. Kindness has conditions and it’s not ALWAYS expected as the shirt likes to suggest. It’s earned.
When I talk to people about their challenges and frustrations, I frequently hear stories of a perceived pressure of giving unconditional kindness in communication and interactions. Let me set the scene for you… you work with Tom. You have worked with him for 3 years but don’t know him very well on a personal level. He is polite but he isn’t a big socializer. He is productive and hard-working. You are uncertain about what he thinks of you because he generally keeps to himself and isn’t overly expressive or chatty. The project is a priority and your boss has discussed the expectations and deadline to both you and Tom in several planning meetings. You need Tom’s portion to complete the project and Tom knows this. You emailed Tom last week about it but he hasn’t replied. While this email is justified, “Hey Tom, just following up on my email from Tuesday. Could you send the spreadsheet by the end of the day today so there is enough time for us to meet the deadline? Please let me know if there is anything else we need to coordinate. Thanks.” many people would instead write, “Hey Tom, hope you had a great weekend. I am so sorry to be a bother, I know you are juggling a few big projects, but I wanted to check if you happened to see my last email. I miss things all the time in my inbox. I am sure you have a lot on your plate but I am hoping to tie this up by the end of the day and would very much appreciate you sending the spreadsheet. I am very sorry for any inconvenience hope you understand I am just trying to ensure sure we meet our deadline. Thanks so much!!” <insert happy face emoji to make sure Tom knows you're trying to be kind>. While there is nothing wrong with that (again being kind isn’t a bad thing) it’s totally unnecessary. In continuing to do the unnecessary we teach ourselves that when people make mistakes or when we are simply communicating about a task, we think we need to pump up the kindness by way of calling ourselves a pest, apologizing for trying to do an assigned task on time, and embellishing how often you lose things in your inbox.
If we teach kids that being kind requires them to apologize for any possible unprovoked inconvenience that may cause them to be indirect, fluffy, or to over-explain why they are asking for something which is likely to have an impact. They may not learn the importance of communicating directly, assertively, and confidently. They may think that they should continue to try to extend friendly gestures that aren’t reciprocated or met with appreciation and may grow their conversations to be filled with fluff, unearned accommodations, and unnecessary apologies. It is impossible to tiptoe around someone else’s sensitivities all the time. There is a personal responsibility to build resilience, to be able to handle making mistakes, to tolerate being upset by someone, and to be able to communicate in somewhat tense situations. I worry that this large focus on kindness teaches that it is YOUR responsibility for someone else’s emotions and that’s just not realistic or healthy.
While “Tom” from the office is harmless, kids and adults may encounter people who are not harmless and have the ability and the desire to hurt and negatively impact someone. There are people that will take advantage of, trick, manipulate, and even worse, abuse others. If we are teaching kindness, we need to teach firm limits right alongside it. It is so important for kids and adults to learn that in many situations it is important to prioritize your own wellness even at the cost of offending, upsetting, or hurting someone else’s feelings. There are times and occasions where an angry and firm no, stop, or, you cannot do that is absolutely warranted without a touch of kindness. In talking with patients, it is not uncommon for people to try to justify someone else’s bad behavior. When they talk about interactions with others, they may point to something difficult in the other person’s life as causing or contributing to the transgression. A quick reality check on that… is it realistic for you to accommodate everyone’s struggle by tolerating their repeatedly unkind behavior or would you say that at some point you may need to ignore that “always be kind” slogan on your shirt and stand up for yourself?
There are endless examples of situations and scenarios involving kindness and it is impossible to cover them all. Every person and situation is different. That’s why you can’t have a blanket solution like always sprinkling kindness everywhere in hopes of helping everyone be happy. Being kind isn’t the magic key to having successful relationships and achievements, and… we shouldn’t teach it as such. Different individuals need different instruction and different lessons. One person may need an overhaul in kindness 101 and someone else may need a crash course throwing kindness out the window and picking up some private lessons on assertiveness. So, teaching it as a one-size-fits-all approach (catch what I did there?) could create problems in a different way. If child A struggles with taking turns and giving respect and receives unwavering kindness from child B (who struggles with assertiveness) a problem is created for both. Child A is further incentivized to continue to be disrespectful and selfish by learning people will still be kind and do what they want despite how they ask for it. Child B forms the habit of thinking it’s the right thing to do to be kind and sees that it could be worse if they stand up for themselves. Or, they start to justify it by rationalizing that child A has challenges at home so they should just be nice and sacrifice what’s right and fair while sacrificing their feelings. Teaching kindness to always be the solution doesn’t make us all get along better, instead, it can perpetuate and encourage bad behavior and grow more people pleasers.
One last thought about my frustration with the overemphasis on kindness is that people get a distorted picture of reality. If someone is taught that you should always be unconditionally kind and can always expect unconditional kindness it sets the stage for a lack of reality and preparedness for what is likely to come. Kids and adults then may find themselves in a position where being nice or kind seems to be the more important quality while not equally sharpening up their ability to practice effort, drive, resilience, accountability, or perseverance. By focusing more on the latter skills there is a higher likelihood for the gift of earned kindness, and even better than kindness, earned respect (to self and to others). They also may find themselves lost in a moment not knowing how to react or what to do next when kindness is not reciprocated. Some people might doubt or question themselves thinking THEY did something wrong after they sprinkled their kindness like confetti and didn’t get it in return. Or, some people may be doing the bare minimum and still expecting that ever-flowing kindness, allowing them to create a false victim identity or a role of entitlement. They distortedly see that they are just being treated unfairly, for not getting offered a job for example, instead of recognizing their need and ability to improve their interview skills, take another class, or, simply, try again.
So, what do I want shirts to teach kids? Frankly, nothing. Clothing is a fun way to express interests (like wearing your favorite Philly sports team’s jersey), honor the significance of an occasion (like dressing up for a wedding), and can be a fun way to express your personality. A friend of mine wears bright colors and patterns and when I commented on her clothing style she said anything less wouldn’t match her big personality and would just be confusing. I have certainly seen her awesome big personality in action and found the description hysterically accurate. I would rather people be taught lessons from people through conversation and role modeling. But, if we are going to do the graphic tees with the “words of wisdom” and catchphrases on them I would prefer they teach kids and remind adults about respect (for self and others), accountability, and good character. I would rather people know that whatever you’re giving… kindness, flexibility, understanding, etc. …. it all has limits, it has to be earned, you don’t always get it back, people can take advantage of it, it is not something you always give endlessly, and that there are times when you need to give the exact opposite. I would rather people have the important reminder that kindness comes in different forms. Kindness isn’t always saying yes, agreeing, or giving up your personal values and morals to accommodate someone else’s. Sometimes kindness is saying no, being harshly honest, and holding firm. In the meantime, if you find me in the graphic tee section in the kids' department it is safe to assume I’m looking for the Self-Respect-O-Saurus Rex tee shirt so long as it isn’t a crop top, doesn’t have flippy sequins, and, is on sale.